YOUR STORY

"Taken for a ride" from Angie

My story starts a long time ago when I married the man of my dreams. Five years later we had a child together. Things continued and we ran a highly successful business together. Once the business was sold that was when our problems started. After having to have a hysterectomy, my husband finally let his other side come out. He admitted to doubting his heterosexuality, surfing the gay porno channels for hours on the internet, mixing with more decidely different people. After finding this out, my confidence hit an all time low and I ended up having a nervous breakdown. This was the lowest point I was prepared to reach, and decided that the time had come for me to divorce the man I still loved so much. He continues in this new mode of action, and the pain and rejection I feel sometimes wants to overwhelm me. I believe that the years we spent together was only a cover up for his true identity and now feel that they were wasted. Perhaps here I am wrong in my belief, but on reading more and more articles have realised that people are born this way. I have started a new life with my young son, but wonder if there is anyone out there who can advise me on what now. What effect will this have on my young son when he finally finds out just what his father truly is. Weekends away with his Dad are spent in the company of undesirables and I know that I cannot stop the visits as my ex husband is the light of his sons life. These weekends are sheer hell for me and instead of being able to do something constructive and enjoy myself, I find my mind is in constant turmoil. I really want to forgive this man and accept what he is, but find that I cannot. I need your input please.

e-mail at :gsweidan@iafrica.com

Thanks for your submission Angie. I have heard about this sort of thing happening but don't understand it at all. Maybe there is somebody out there who can shed some light on this issue or who can offer advice. So folks, lets see what we can do to help Angie along. JOHN

I met my husband (tony) nine years ago as a worldly wise 17 year old. I adored him from the second I layed eyes on him. From the start, he was unfaithful to me and loved parties and woman. I left him, moved to a different town after completing my schooling and met a guy who made me pregnent and politely dumped me. Christine was 2 months old when  tony came back into my life as a dedicated christian. It did not take long for him to change back to his old ways, but I married him anyway, fearing that he may be the only man willing to accept me along with my illegitimate child.

We were scarcely married a month when he tried to have an affair and soon after that I fell pregnant. After 2 and a half years of affairs, abuse, degradation and lies - I divorced this man that I still adored and idolised hoping that I could continue life with my kids. But he kept coming back and I kept taking him back. I have been so insecure within myself that I started believing that tony was the only man that would accept me for who I was - but the main reason was that I was acting on emotions and not wisdom. I am in the process (AGAIN) of trying to break this seemingly unbreakable bond between myself and tony as I realise that he has nothing to offer me and my girls. He is unstable, irresponsible and 'free spirited". I know that he has the potential to become the husband and father that he should be - but he does not believe in himself and that is something I cannot help him with.

My youngest daughter, Kimberleigh is struggling. At the age of 2 1/2 she is aware that this time it is different to all the other times daddy left. She is constantly sad and teary eyed and keeps asking where he is. It is so difficult and I sometimes feel like sacrificing my happiness and keeping on with my relationship with tony in order for Kimmy to be with her daddy - but my mind screams at me to move on with my life. I have always known that I will be O.K, no matter what may happen in my life and I thank God that I have become a stronger person. For 4 years I have been fighting for a good marraige, for a good husband, for a good father, for a good life in general. Even though I never got what I wanted I have realised that I still have my precious children, my job, MY family and my sanity. I have made it through adultery, abuse (physical & mental), immorality, desertion, poverty and solitude - and if I can make it through all that - I can make it through anything.

Every day is a struggle because I know that my ex is going to try and manipulate me again, and as tempted as I am to go back I hope that I am strong enough to say NO. As much as I love him and as much as I wish that he would maybe change - THIS TIME AROUND - I have to be realistic and acknowledge that he is not a good influence on my life and that this may affect my girls as they grow older.

If there is anyone out there who is going through the same dillemma - PLEASE remember as I try to remind myself - think with your head - that is where your knowledge, wisdom and reasoning lie.

Your heart is only full of emotion - and love will not carry you through the difficult choices you have to make when you decide wether to leave your partner.

Good luck and wish me luck too.

"KEEP COURAGE" from Michelle"
My story is, I guess, very much like a lot of unmarried young single mothers’. At the age of 20, I became pregnant from a solitary unprotected fling. I was scared stiff when I found out and didn’t tell a soul! I had just started a really great relationship with an old friend in the USA and we were talking marriage. I was due to visit him just after my 21st birthday, at which I was 3 1/2 months pregnant, and was petrified to tell him! I knew that where he lived abortion was legal, and went over seriously considering it. Once I had broken the news that I was "pregnant and had to have an abortion" he was very supportive, wanting what was best for me without question and even being willing to go against his principles to pay for a termination. I made it through all the pro-life lobbyists at the clinic, but once inside they miscalculated my dates and said I was too far to abort. Secretly I was very relieved that I didn’t have to go through with it. The funny thing was, as we left the clinic the pro-life bunch were still shouting that I "had a choice"! Isn’t that the wrong thing to say to someone leaving an abortion clinic? On the way home, my man told me he still wanted to marry me, adopt my child as his own and love us both. It would have been wonderful, but I had to come back to SA to give birth and he changed his mind while I was gone. Two weeks after Jason was born he dumped me long-distance. From then on I was on my own! It’s been tough. I tried once to get maintenance, but it created such a quarrel that I promptly dropped the idea. It was really hard to adjust from being a party animal to just another tired, single mom. At times I wished it had never happened, but then I looked at my beautiful son and regretted even thinking that! He is a really easy child, very intelligent and intuitive, a pleasure to be around. I was very lucky to have the support of my parents and church. My dad became Jason’s father figure. I haven’t had contact with my son’s father, but do keep in touch with his mom in case Jason wants to know more about them one day. We are planning to join my parents in Australia soon, as economically we can no longer cope here. It will be a big challenge, but I’m so much stronger now that I’m a single mom, and I know we can handle it.
To all those single parents out there - KEEP COURAGE! If I can make it, so can you!

Thanks for the story Michelle. Good luck in Australia and look after Jason well. JOHN

Don't ask me why Michelle's story prompted me to share this, but here goes anyway:-
Although sometimes we may doubt it, there is an inner strength in all of us that only comes to the fore in times of adversity. Taking on the lives of innocent children by yourself is an extremely daunting task that lasts a lifetime, but right from the beginning, it is more worthwhile and rewarding than anything else in the world. The life of a child that you touch today IS MANKINDS FUTURE. Nothing else that you will ever do, in your entire life, will have the same impact on the world 100 years from now, than "the life" you touched today. So touch it carefully and considerately. Always look after it in the best possible way. Take account of your actions, at all times, because "a life" will be seeing you as an example to follow, and always remember: "THE FUTURE IS IN YOUR HANDS."

"Life is Tough but Good." from JENNY
My mom died when I was 10. When I was 21 I decided that I wanted a good life - my impression of a good life then was living in my own place and somehow, someday getting into the fashion world. Coming from a continental family that was a taboo. I did it anyway. I was doing just fine having my wild days with no one to answer to - I met my son's dad at this point. Well all was great I was in love and my life was what I wanted it to be - or so I thought. The relationship started dwindling as he was in love with alcohol and not me or anyone else. Eventually I broke up with him. He continued to call me and after 2 weeks of this decided to take him back. That very day we laughed and loved for the whole day and at about 5H30 went to the cafe. There was a hotel close to my place and after an hour of waiting decided to check the hotel. He was there. I went back home took everything that was his and threw it out. I locked up and pretended not to be home. He was ranting and raving (drunk as usual), but eventually left.
I then decided to call up the family and move back home. Sort my life out and start again. My way was not working after all. I moved back home and the same month was retrenched from my work. I was home, I didn't need the money.
By Christmas I was not well and getting very fat. Early January I was going to start looking for a job and start again but to my amazement - the doctor said "you're not ill - just pregnant". My life was destroyed. Life became very tough for a while. I could only blame myself for the situation I found myself in.
My family kicked me out and wanted nothing to do with me. I moved in with a friend, who was a single mother earning very little and had 2 kids and now me to support. I couldn't find a job. I eventually couldn't go out because I had no clothes to wear and remained in the flat in a nightie as it was the only thing I could fit into. I found a doctor who would see me without payment and he got me in contact with an adoption agency. Great people, but when I was nearing the end of my pregnancy I couldn't go through with it. I had to of course as I had no other option. I vowed that as soon as I gave birth I was going to kill myself.
I applied for my UIF money and there always seemed to be a problem with the application and finaly 10 days before my son was born I received R4500 from UIF and thought I was a millionairess. I decided 5 days later that I would keep my son.
Today, I am very happy and have a beautiful son who loves me deeply. I would not trade my life and he is the best thing that has happened to me. I still feel guilty for having put him in my home with no dad. He yearns for a dad. His dad knows about him and has seen him 3 times, he is now 7. He feels no responsibility toward him, no interest and doesn't see the need to support him financially or other wise. My saving grace is that my son will not stay young and innocent all his life - the time will come when he will grow up and know what I have done for him and what his father has. I also feel guilty about having let down the adoptive parents and having disappointed my family. My dad met my son for the first time when he was 6 and spoke to me for the first time then too. He hasn't quite forgiven me yet, but I suppose time will heal. The rest of my family are OK with it now and I have a respectable home and my child and l live relatively comfortable now. I have my hobbies and friends to keep me busy, but my son keeps me the busiest. I entertain at my place because my son can go to bed and I don't have a car. My friends and I go to places where children can go too, that is also a help. I have a great circle of friends. I now am having to deal with the fact that I am missing someone in my life. I sometimes think that perhaps it is either just a natural instinct to need a mate or alternatively everyone else around you has one what is wrong with me syndrome. But I have been through a lot worse and it has worked out for the better, so will this.
I have no serious problems now, just the normal ups and downs - LIFE IS TOUGH BUT GOOOOOOOD???!!!!!.

Thanks for your submission Jenny. Life really is good, so live it to it's full and enjoy every moment of it. JOHN

"SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST (OR NOT SO FIT!)" from Elaine
I am a single parent of a 15 year old. I was divorced when the child was three months old (he was drinking and bashing). He left the country and we havent seen him since. No maintenance, nothing. I have (on my own) brought up the child, been through the usual teething problems and then some, from orthodontists to psychologists, nursery school to high school. My family helped me tremendously in the beginning, sadly that support system dwindled. I have a few friends who are always around, but never entirely understand as they have never been in this situation. In all this I have learned 'TO DEPEND ON ME'. At the end of the day it is the hug in the morning or at night or the 'I love you mom' that money can never replace. My advice to all out there is HANG ON, you will get there.

Hi Elaine. I love your advice and couldn't agree with you more. JOHN

"LIFE THE HARD WAY" from Kim
My life was not always bad. I have a fantastic familly who have stood by me, and only once did they cut off the oxygen supply. My story is pretty much like an episode of the bold and beautiful, just as dramatic and never coming to an end. I met my (now) husband when I was sixteen. I was very sweet and innocent and had no idea about life and its hardships, but not to fear, Rene was going to show me. After a turbulent year and a half I finally gave him what he wanted, I slept with him. I was taking precaution and he had also told me that he couldn't have children. However, three months later I was pregnant. His mother and family blamed me. We were two teenagers in our element, or so I thought. Little did I known that my hubby also blamed me for ending his life. Never thinking of my life ,my studies ect. We had a little boy, the most wonderful gift that I have ever recieved. Exactly how I knew my child would look. I thought at the time that Rene felt the same. We lived togeather got a house and tried to live, but not to be. My husband, it turns out, was an emotional basketcase. He was witness to his mother being abused. I tried to help him, but he turned on me, and within a year he started abusing me. At first a hit here and a tap there. Eventually he put me into hospital. His mother sat back and watched. I eventually got the guts to leave, but loved him so much I thought when he said he had changed I could believe him. I went back. My folks cut the oxygen supply and left me to make my own mistakes. They really tried to warn me, but, like everything, I had to learn the hard way. Within six months it was the same, actually worse. I did wake up, and my son and I left, losing everything. The divorce is not final. He has put us throught paternity tests (that showed he is deff the father). His family ignore our exsistence and now he has ran off to the Netherlands leaving me the mess to sort out here! But he left me the most important thing, his child, and the realisation that, yes, I had to learn the hard way, but I am a survivor. I just want to send a message and get into contact with people that have been throught the same situation.
Please write to me kl kok PO BOX 171, Bloemfontein, Free State, South Africa
Thank you, your right, I do feel better!

Hi Kim. Thanks for your story. I'm glad that the site has helped to make you feel better. Hope your future has lot's of love and fun in it. JOHN

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