LETTERS

"Rolands letter"

What a nice surprise to find a site such as this. I am a widower with two young kids aged 5 and 8 and believe me when I tell you that this has been the worst 28 months of my life. I don't know if their are any young widows/ers out there who could perhaps give some sound advice on coping with life.

I could not have been blessed more than with the woman I met at school, married and had 2 healthy beautifull kids with. My life and that of my childrens were torn apart when, in two short months, my wife was diagnosed with cancer and died. To know somebody as close as we did for 17 years and then to suddenly not have them there is a total shock.

It's pretty tough doing a full days job and then coming home to be with my kids. The motivation is just not there to roll around and play with them as I should. With God's help though I'm sure that one day I will again see some light in our lives again.

Hi Roland. Good luck to you and your children and always remember that there is always light at the end of any tunnel. Never give up hope and you will definately come to the light. JOHN

"First day at big school (Jan '99)" from Karin

My brain feels like mashed potato and I'm cross eyed after having to mark X things for school ...... !!!!!!! As if I didn't know my son's name already!

Well, Jurgen survived his 1st day at big school, he looked so cute in his uniform (God forbid he should ever find out his mother thinks he's 'cute', that's a swear word with him at the moment, same as "girls"). His socks are a bit big and he ended up with the school colours more around his ankles than where they are supposed to be, but heck, who can see them under the desk. Was a bit nervous though and forgot to brush his teeth, wanted me to turn around half way to school because he didn't want his new teacher to see his "dirty teeth". So we sat in the car outside school, running a wet-wipe over them and digging for any lost Rice Crispies, carefully trying not to dislodge any loose teeth! It would definitely not be the done thing for the toothfairy to come to big school! His Lordship waved me out of the classroom after I'd completed the requisite teacher/parent introduction, grandly stating "musn't kiss me mommy, that's yucky". He terrorised the after-care teachers (as in "he's here, there and everywhere" - could have told them that) and picked a fight with three other boys because they "touched" his new school case. Already brought homework home after the first day in Grade 1- heaven help me, what happens in the next 12 years? Picked him up with some trepidation, was thinking that with my luck my son would decide he hated it and tell me "I'm not going back to big school, no ways". Luckily he is a show-off, and teacher has asked the kids to bring a photo of themselves to class tomorrow, so by bedtime tonight we were still going back in the morning!

Mom here survived day 1 too, despite having to get up an hour earlier than in the past, and then having to fork out a small fortune in school fees for the month, before breakfast and after only the 2nd cigarette for the morning. My nerves will never be the same again!

I've come to an earth-shattering, mountain-moving, thoroughly life-enlightening insight. I'm too old for this.

"Thank you" from Jenny IN DURBAN

Hi John
Thank you.I have just got divorced after a long stuggle and it was like a ray of sunshine to come across your page. It helped me see that my situation is not so bad and that I am not alone. I will continue going to it for some insparation.
Once again thank you

Top site

Scanning the web you see lots of rubbish , its nice to see a a site with real interest and views.

Ash in the uk

"THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE" from ASH IN DURBAN

Your site is heart warming, encouraging, and supportive. I am a single parent after 3 yrs of being married to a man who thought that everything/one was important than his wife and son. The emotional abuse, the neglect, the absence during times when he was needed at home became a bit too much. Putting up with his pathetic family for 3 yrs and their emotional abuse as well added to my troubles. Finally, when we moved out on our own, he thought he had me checked (that I could not make a move/leave him). But where is the point when the problems followed you. Eventually, enough was enough. I picked up the courage to walk out with my then 21 month old son. Fortunately for me, I was in employment so I could stand on my own. But walking out was something he NEVER expected me to do, but yes, I did it. Today, it's a 1 1/2 yrs since I left and I have no regrets. It is a bit of a strain financially, but I am HAPPY. The tremendous joy my son (now 3 1/2 yrs) brings me is unreal. He is my source of inspiration and a reason for me to look forward to the next day. I am also fortunate that I have a very supportive family. But hey ! life is great. So to all those single parents out there don't give up hope and just remember that you are not alone.

Top site

Scanning the web you see lots of rubbish , its nice to see a a site with real interest and views.

Ash in the uk

Thank You

This is my first visit to this site, and I wish I had known about it a while ago. I have been divorced for over a year now and have the most wonderful 19month daughter. It is great to be able to hear about other peoples situations as you always tend to think that you are alone out there. I will definately be coming back here.

Suzi

Dear John
It really is wonderful to find such a wonderful site. I have a two year old son who doesn't know his father who left to go and live abroad. My son longs for male company and it sometimes breaks my heart to see his reaction when he is around men and they don't realize his needs. I do the best that I can as a single mother but I cannot be a father too. Once at an animal farm he walked up to a man with his two children and called him Daddy with a question in his voice.
I have grown up in a stable family with my Mom and Dad now being happily married fro 37 years. It breaks my heart that I cannot do the same for my son.
Jenny

Working Mom's Trials (1996)
You are a single mom and have to work, fact of life unless you have a secret stash in a Swiss bank account. Your children have survived your parenting efforts to reach the 3 to 7 year age group. They are settled at school, nursery school or with a daymother. It's a daily ritual. Then suddenly the little blithers try and lay a guilt trip on you with questions like "mommy, why do you have to work?", or "mommy, why can't you stay at home like so-and-so's mom?". Jürgen practised "do I have to go to school?", "why do you work?" and a hopeful "school's closed today?" ad nauseum.
Having an office at home and working irregular hours, I had first hand experience on how disruptive a 3 to 4 year old could be to my already tight client deadlines, and what would happen if I caved in on this one.
Before my son came up with his own version of the Spanish Inquisition, I had only felt a twinge of apprehension the first day I dropped my then 3 month old off at baby crèche to return to work. And that was more a "how can anyone look after my one-and-only as well as only I can" than anything else. Of course that was long before the "why" stage. Once Jürgen started practising get-at-mommy-psychology, I needed some serious ammunition. So I did some thinking and major reading-up on this working mothers thing.
We already had the why-he-goes-to-school and what-he-does-there thing down pat, from playing with his friends to going swimming and learning things for when he is big (Jürgen's secret ambition is to be big, like Spiderman), via a few other favourite activities. But what was with mommy and this mysterious thing called work? The first thing I stumbled on was children understanding issues through visualising situations. I had noticed his fascination with my computer some weeks back when he was home sick. One afternoon I printed some animal pictures from my graphics software when we got home. He was ecstatic. Mommy and her "coputer" were back in his universe. Mommy's work could do things he liked. Over the next few days we did 'mouse training' to enable him to call up his own pictures. From there we went on to drawing lines and shapes freestyle. He got some of "mommy's papers" and stamped them "confidential" to his heart's content (he loves the little secret agent on the stamp). We progressed to money. To show him how I earned money by working, he got my small change for clearing his dinner plate away or helping me tidy up. He already knew one couldn't take things out of a shop without paying money. So next time we went grocery shopping, he was allowed to take his money with and buy some chocolate by himself (the cashier's face when she saw a little hand full of 1c coins was hysterical). When I came home later than normal from meetings, I explained that I had been working by helping other people with their important papers. I also told him that I loved working, but different to how I loved him, and was glad to be home, even though it was later than usual. Then I hit on a marvellous idea. I made the appropriate noises with his teachers and warned a friend that I'd be coming by her office with junior in tow. I then asked Jürgen if he wanted to see what mommy did when she came home late, and duly arrived at my friend's office for coffee. Jürgen was allowed to look at the pictures on her computer and got some papers he could draw on and fold. The deal that mommy worked and sometimes came home late was clinched. We haven't looked back since.
Whilst a great part of the battle was won by involving him and giving him a mental picture of what I did, and where, I also realised that Jürgen was testing boundaries and if me working was negotiable. At the same time as letting him spend (selective) time in my office, I made it clear that my work was important and not negotiable, same us brushing teeth and bed time (two particular issues he could relate to as "not negotiable").
When the issue of earning money is raised, assure your child that you would need money, and therefore work, even if you were on your own, this will counteract any guilt feelings younger children might have that you only need money because they are around. If you can, let your child see where you work, and if possible, actually see you working, even if only for a few minutes. Introduce your child to people you work with and then mention them in conversation. If your child is old enough, talk about the different work people you know do. That also worked well with Jürgen. Mommy works with papers and her "coputer" in the office, the lady at the shop works when you pay her for things you buy, the man at the video shop works when you hire a video. Its so simple really, what they need is to be able to picture where you work and what you do, and that its important to you but in a different way to how they are important to you. Reassurance goes a long way to stop the guilt invoking questions.

from Karin of the Single Mothers Network

"On Working" from Judy
I'd like to congratulate Karin on her letter above about working and say that I've had a very similar experience. Kids will try and push the boundaries and it's important to say from the start that work is not negotiable. My son found it quite easy to grasp economic necessity once I took the trouble to explain and hasn't looked back. One of the things which has made it easier for me is that I choose to work and can tell him that my working has nothing to do with being single - if I was married I'd still want to work. I've also found that he really enjoys aftercare for the company of other kids and on rare afternoons off he doesn't want me to fetch him early - which gives me a great excuse to go home and curl up in bed with a book in delicious solitute.
Who needs guilt?

Dear John
As a single parent myself I would like to thank you for this web page as it is much needed in SA. (A pity not a lot of people know about it)
It helps to know that there are other people out there in the same boat with the same problems and experiences.
Keep it up!!

Regards
Marie
(Thanks Marie. It's encouragement from people like you that help to keep this page alive. JOHN)

Heres a letter from KIM about her "WONDERFUL CHILD"
After six years of emotional hell that my husband put both my son and I through, I finally decided to leave. At first I was worried about the emotional well being of my child, but I underestimated my son. He is fantastic and has been a tower of strength for me!! I dont know how many single mummys there are, but I hope that you find the happiness that I have with my son. I am now doing the impossible and going for sole guardianship, so hold thumbs for me (my husband, like somany others, did the cowardly thing and ran off overseas as he didn't want to pay maintenance. Good riddence!)

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