"Access" from Dad
My ex-wife does everything in her power to deny me access to my
10 yr old daughter.
She receives a generous maintenance without fail.
She wants to continue punishing me for the divorce, but is punishing our
daughter instead.
I have stopped short of using the legal system to enforce access because of
the unpleasntness that that will bring.
Any ideas?
Response : OK everybody. Lets have some ideas on this as I feel there are a lot of dad's out there who may have the same problem. Please submit your responses through the submission form for publication.
many thanks
JOHN
"Cant forget the past" from Joe
Hi. I hope you can help me to get over my past, it is really
destroying my current relationship. I was really battered and bruised and
messed around in a four year relationship and im still suffering
today..always accusing my boyfriend of messing me around and simply
worrying the whole time that he is going to leave me for someone else. I
really Love him and cannot describe what I would do if he'd leave me for
someone else...he thinks I'm crazy....please help, not even a phychologist
has helped me?
Response : Ok folks, this looks like a difficult one. I know a lot of us have gone through these symptoms in one way or another and come out OK in the end. So lets hear how you did it in order to help Joe (and many others) through these difficult times. Please submit your responses through the submission form for publication.
many thanks
JOHN
"Where oh where??" from Valerie
Can anyone help me? I have been separated for over 11 years
now. I have 4 children. In February this year, after years of not
receiving maintenance, i had to sell my house. Although the house is in
my name and the loan was granted to me through the company that i worked
for at the time, because i am not divorced, the transfer of the house
cannot take place. Each month that goes past equals to less money that i
will receive from the sale at the end of the day. I have no way of
tracing my husband and, in fact, do not even know if he is still alive.
I have no money, am staying in one room in a friends house with my
daughter. My one son stays with a family friend and my other one with
his best friend. Fortunately, my eldest son is married. Does anyone know
of any way at all to trace this person? I cannot afford tracing agency
fees and i am at my wits end now.
e-mail at Valerie
Response
Legal Trace of ex-partners
The Trace Team
PO Box 15477
Vlaeberg
8018
--------------------------------------------------------
Comprehensive Risk Services
A much needed service for moms tracing "errant" ex-husbands or partners,
also assets, for maintenance cases or divorce settlements.
Comprehensive Risk Services offers a tracing service that operates
internationally, and is able to provide an efficient and comprehensive
service, including information with regards to any business dealings
anywhere in the world.
NO TRACE - NO CHARGE
Contact Charmaine Garbers on (011) 828-8455 for further information and
costs. Members of the Single Mothers Network qualify for special fees
( Phone Karin or Vera (011) 975-3776 office hours Fax
(011) 394-0056
, P O Box 10174 Aston Manor 1630
or e-mail moms@ledgerone.co.za or visit us on SINGLE MOTHERS NETWORK )
The services and timing are:
Tracing of individuals
Traces conducted outside the country
A turn-around period equal to 45 working days is required in order to
obtain the required information leading to a successful trace. In most
cases a result is achieved within a shorter period.
Tracing of assets
Hourly rate plus travel
An admin fee equal to 25% of the account is applicable to tracing of
assets.
Other services required to obtain positive results will be charged out per the standard service proposal, as and when required. On the conclusion of each investigation/trace, a comprehensive report will be submitted.
"Getting divorced, but where to now?" from EDA
I am 37 year old, getting a divorce and staying in
Cape Town. I have 2 children, ages 6 and 4.
Where does one
find affordable accommodation in Cape Town? Am I the only one
struggling with this?
e-mail at EDA
"Education" from Jenny
My son started school in January of this
year. He turned 7 in June. At this stage he reads
with relative ease and says he enjoys school. My
problem is that I don't know how to change his
attitude. He is bent on arguing with the workbook
(eg. There was a picture of a whole ham - he doesn't
know ham like that - the letter "h" was available and
he was to complete the word. He promptly crossed out
the "h" and wrote "meet".) He also has no interest in
anything he already knows - he wants only new things
all the time. I had a talk with him yesterday after
the aftercare teacher said she has a problem with him.
Her problem is that sometimes he doesn't want to do
the homework given him so to avoid a fight he just
leaves his homework book at school. His argument is
that he wants "to do sentences and words and sums but
not boring things". To him colouring in is for babies
and he is not one. Even his teacher has a problem
with getting him to colour in. I'm at my wits end.
He was chosen to represent the school at a literature
eistedford. He got a silver certificate and 78% - he
lost the gold because he used his hands. I know he
can do it - why is he so lazy? How can I convince him
that doing what he considers boring is good for him?
He seems to have no concentration with things he knows
or thinks he knows. When he was a small todller the
teacher used to laugh with me at the fact that if he
knew a song they would sing in the class he would walk
away and go sit in the corner and "read" magazines.
If they sang a new song he would listen and learn,
sing with gusto - but forget it when he knew it. They
taught him his poem for the eistedford 5 days before,
everyone else had theirs before him. For fear that he
would get bored. He has a good imagination and memory
- so what am I doing wrong? Why is he like this?
Two interesting questions, Jenny. The answer to this, I am sure, will help a lot of us. Please let me have your responses to this question by sending them through on the submission form below. Many Tx. JOHN
RESPONSE :
Hi Jenny. I suggest the first step you
take is to get your son evaluated by both your doctor
and the school, and from there perhaps a visit to a
recommended specialist. This will establish whether he
has a learning/attention problem or whether he gets
bored because he is advanced for his age. I don't know
where you live so I'm going to give various phone
numbers you can contact, depending on your son's
evaluation outcome. But please, the first step has to
be with your doctor and the school so that you can
take the right path to help your son.
Gifted Children Centres
Jhb (011) 484-7966/7
Pta (012) 341-7818
Ctn (021) 617-088
Pmb (0331) 949-1221
Support Group for ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) (011) 482-3343/640-3356
Kip McGrath Centres - consult your phone directory or call (011) 421-9265/6 for your nearest centre. The Kip McGrath system tutors children from 7 to 16 years, and is designed to help children who are struggling with reading, spelling, English and mathematics.
Another step is your direct involvement, which is a
parenting one. Make
your son more aware of rules, self-discipline, choices
and consequences.
For example that leaving his homework book at school
to avoid a fight is
unacceptable behaviour that does not solve what he
perceives to be an
unpleasant situation. Explain to him why it makes the
given situation
worse. Show him how his own behaviour can make him
feel good, or can make
him feel unpleasant about something. Go back to the
beginning. Discuss why
he goes to school and learns, why he has to do
homework. Mention that
sometimes people have to do or go through something
they think they already
know, or find boring, in order to learn more
interesting things. Show him
with the ham/meat example that, had he been open to
new experiences, he
could have learned a very interesting thing, namely
one of the many types
of meat, and that you could have gone to the shop
together and looked at a
whole ham, and tasted a small piece. Show him
something new as often as you
can, let him explore with what he already knows to
discover something new
in a known factor. For example: yes, this is a flower,
and so is that one.
But look, this is a rose, it has thorns, and this is
how/where it grows,
and look, this is a daisy, now lets see how this one
grows and how much
water it needs, oh look, it is thirstier than the
rose. Look up with him
why it is thirstier, rekindle his interest in learning
as such. Be
inventive. Take an active interest in what he's
learning. Let him tell you
what would make what he sees and hears at school more
interesting to him.
Discuss his curriculum for the year with his teacher.
Ask his teacher for
input on ways you can both make what the class is
doing more interesting.
Perhaps there are some extra-mural activities that
would re-kindle his
interest, maybe just a different approach. You also
need to be firm and let
him know where his boundaries are. That no matter how
bored he is, or how
much he thinks he knows some things already, certain
behaviour is quite
simply a no-no, and make sure he understands the
consequences of his
actions if he continues with that behaviour.
Contact a parenting group in your area. Meet other
parents through them and
find out how they cope with this issue. Attend talks
and workshops these
groups organise on subjects that are relevant to your
situation or
problems.
And finally, you're not doing anything wrong. Kids
don't come issued with
instruction books. Each child is different, what works
for one, doesn't for
another. We all bring up our children by intuition and
experimenting. Very
often we survive by thinking on our feet. There are no
hard and fast rules.
Eliminate any possible physical factors by having your
son evaluated.
Establish certain boundaries, and then let your son
guide you within
them.Go with your gut feel.
Hope this helps you, and keep us informed of the progress you make. Karin (Just another single mom)
Here's an address from Karin that may be of help. There is a lot of info available in "CHATS & BOARDS". Take a looksee. It might just help.
http://www.parentsoup.com/community/schoolage.html
Thanks for all the help Karin. We all appreciate it. JOHN
Message to Jenny re education
I've been there! It looks like you have a gifted child. You
describe behavior very like my son's. I'd really like to communicate
with you directly, so please mail me at judyback@iafrica.com with your
address. If so, he really needs to be at a school which caters for his
needs - and many who offer 'gifted' programs don't. They tend to just
offer more academic stimulation but taught in the same way. My son was
reading at 3 and started getting into trouble at school for not showing
any interest around then. By the time I moved him after grade 2 he was
getting reports of being disruptive, lazy and naughty and the school was
talking about ADD and Ritalin. He is now at a school for gifted children
and a model pupil getting straight As. I had to move cities to get him
to the school, but it was worth it. Please contact me so we can compare
notes.
"Laws changing in SA???" from worried
Hi
I'm a single mom with an abusive ex and a 6 month old
son. I believe that the laws in SA are changing and
that unmarried fathers may soon have alot more rights
than they did have. Can anyone tell me more? What kind
of rights will this animal have over my son, and what
will the ramifications be? I'm really worried and
would appreciate any help anyone can give.
Thanks
If there is anybody out there who can let all of us know anything about this please let me have your responses on this by sending them through the submission form below. Tx. JOHN
RESPONSE :
Refer to the new "Natural Fathers Of
Children Born Out Of Wedlock Act" Act 86(1), 1997. You can download the Act as a PDF file (Acrobat
Reader) from
http://www.polity.org.za/govdocs/legislation/1998/index.html
If you have problems with this e-mail us at
moms@ledgerone.co.za we can send you a copy.
Thanks Karin. This is great.
"WHY????" from Ashley
You ask the question why? Well why is what I want to know?
Which is : WHY when you meet some Lady and things do work out, after a while,she
turns round and says :"It's not working out", and she goes back to the
%*~(%$ that used to treat her like a dog?
Does it mean that I should
become a bastard as well , even though it is not my nature ? Should I stop
the romance , and gentlemanly behaviour and become a dog like so many
others?
What must I do?
OK folks, lets see if we can give Ashley some help on this one. Please let me have your responses on this by sending them through the submission form below. Tx. JOHN
Response : "Don't change Mr Nice Guy"
Hi Ashley,
Please don't get discouraged and lose hope. I promise you there are a lot of women out there who appreciate Mr Nice Guy and have looked for him all their lives. I have been fortunate enough to have found one for myself recently, and I promise you that I appreciate him very much. So keep hoping, and one day I am sure you will also find the person that will cherish you too.
Little dove
RESPONSE
Hi Ashley!
Please don't change - Be yourself, you will certainly not go wrong. If this woman left you to go back to the man who treated her badly - then so be it she doesn't deserve a "Mr Nice Guy" If you hold on you will find someone who will love you and treat you as you need to be treated.
All you need to be is patient. It's hard but when you get it, it will be well worth the wait.
Regards
Jenny
Response
Hi Ashley
It's interesting to see your question.
All I've ever wanted is someone to
love and be able to care for, cook dinner for at night and enjoy life with
but some guys don't seem to see things this way.
Perhaps, like me, you've just met the
wrong people up until know. I like to believe that there are still good
people out there who still want the simple pleasures in life.
Jenny (Not the same one as above)
Thankyou Little Dove & the 2 Jenny's. Keep up the good work.
This has also been a question I have asked myself many times in the past, and thanks for the reassurance that "Mr Nice Guy" must not change his tune.
Maybe there is somebody out there who can now help us to understand "WHY" they do it.
JOHN
"Answering a question - Why doesn't dad visit??!!" from JENNY
How do you answer a 7yr old boy - where is my dad and why doesn't he come and visit?
He has seen his father when he was 2 months old - 2 years old and again when he was 4 years old. We live alone and it gets difficult around - father's day and other important days??!!
I would like, from a single parent's organisation like this - feed back - advice etc.
I need advice and encouragement, because at times I feel mostly guilty for having
done this to my son. I feel responsible for his unhappiness and lack of a dad. Any ideas???
Here's a lady who needs your assistance, lets see if we can give Jenny some help on this one. Please let me have your ideas on her questions by sending them through the submission form below. Tx. JOHN
Response : "Hi there Jenny"
A difficult question because little boys do need their father. But I am convinced that it the break up is "not your fault" and certainly not your son's fault, so just keep assuring him and yourself of that, and in the meantime keep praying and keep hoping, and just shower your son with as much love as you have to give, and things will come right. Just be positive!! and never, ever allow yourself to begin to feel sorry for yourself. That can be fatal.
Little dove
"Why doesn't Dad visit" - response from Judy
My son's father was in the UK until he was about 5 and I
went through the same questions. I got him to write to his Dad and
(having briefed his Dad) he got a reply saying. 'I love you, but not
your Mom. I can't be around for a while, but I'll get to know you when
you are older.' He was happy with that and now (aged 9) has a good
relationship with his Dad.
On the subject of Father's day I'd tackle the school and tell them it's
irresponsible to do this sort of thing. How do kids with abusive fathers
feel when being forced to write 'Thanks for all you do for me' in a
card? My son came home with just such a card once and I laughed and told
him the school was being silly since his dad never did anything for him.
He saw the funny side too.
Finally, YOU are NOT responsible for his dad's behaviour. Not visiting
when he can is a horrible, thoughtless gesture on the part of his dad.
Make HIM answer for his actions, not you. Tell your son that he must ask
that question of his dad, not of you. Just try saying 'I don't know, ask
your dad' and leave it to them to work out what relationship will or
wont exist between them.
Good luck.
Submit your QUESTIONS or RESPONSESHERE